During the summer of 2016, I was just your normal 24-year-old mess looking for a purpose in life. This is also the summer I discovered kickboxing classes. Known for its high energy (excruciating) and time efficient calorie burning (torture), I was sold. The truth is I googled “How do I lose weight easily” which is search relatable for most people who aren’t athletically inclined, like me. I found a gym called “I Love Kickboxing,” and everyone looked happy in the picture and promo videos. So I thought, “Maybe I’ll love kickboxing too?”
I bought their “three classes for $20” coupon. Then I showed up for my first class only to be told that I needed to sign up for a trial class, which would count toward one of my three paid sessions. I ignored all of these red flags and agreed. The following week I arrived in my only pair of spandex workout shorts and bright pink sports bra with an equally pink tank top. Isn’t this what people wear to exercise?
The instructor who set me up with a locker and complimentary kickboxing gloves was a tiny blond dancer type, whose enthusiasm exhausted me and made my eyes bleed just a little bit. But she was fit and in shape, and I thought “I want to be her.” The only difference was that I had boobs and she didn’t.
Let me describe them (my boobs) in 5 words: large, fluffy, puffy, “great” (according to guys), and “inconvenient” (according to me). Also, they hate sports bras.
The basic breakdown of a kickboxing class if as follows. First, a boot camp warm-up consisted of a bunch of burpees (feels like 1000), a core workout, cardio, and more burpees. Death appears to be on the horizon, and you consider walking towards the light. After the boot camp “warm-up” we hit the bag. It’s fun because you get the opportunity to release all of your suppressed aggression and you won’t get arrested, which is a plus.
Now at this point, I am sweating my boobs off. Droplets are seeping down my stomach into all my bodily crevasses and rolls. I feel like I’m achieving something. The endorphins are activated, and I am ready to hit anything!
My instructor who is assisting and training me is a woman. But the person running the entire class is a tall hot man with the most attractive body I have ever seen. I’m taking any chance I get to glance over at him and suck in my stomach. I start hitting the bag. The combinations are mixes of Gab crosses, uppercuts, kicks, and my personal favorite: round-houses. That’s a swing kick that requires you to kind of fling your body. Technically you shouldn’t fling your body, but that was my understanding of it at that time.
My mammary glands are working and moving and bouncing and shifting and suddenly the head instructor (Mr. Chiseled body) comes over to my bag and begins to instruct me. “How’s it going over here?” I say something along the lines of “MHVTGBBJ” because I’m so taken by his presence. His eye contact is steady, and I feel powerful.
I also feel a breeze in my bosom; I assume it’s the A/C in the gym giving us a break from the horrible smell of weight loss and body odor. The man instructor pauses and gives me another instruction, and I take a moment to look down at my body to see how much weight I’ve lost in the past 45 minutes. That’s when I notice my left boob hanging out of my sports bra. Just flinging into the wind being all booby. I’m baffled because sports bras have two jobs and two jobs only. Keep that shit intact and prevent your 34C (my exact size, in case you wanted to know!) boobies from hitting you in the face if you participate in any physical activity. My bright pink sports bra had failed me, and now I was flashing my lady parts. No wonder he was helping me out.
Since I’m wearing boxing gloves putting my boob back inside my sports bra was a traumatic event in itself. But I did it. No matter how painfully awkward it looked, I did it. I have not been able to look at that instructor since. I’m happy to announce my body has lost weight while attending the gym but my boobies stayed the same size. Lots of people think that just because you lose weight, it means you will lose weight in all fatty areas of your body. This isn’t always true. But I’m also happy to say that I have finally purchased a sports bra that fits so now my boobies are no longer able to escape. Hopefully.
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